Here we see Mike finishing a ham sandwich. If Mike isn't squeezing a tennis ball, he's eating a ham sandwich.

Mike was born Robert Zimmerman in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1941. No, I'm sorry--I'm confusing him with Bob Dylan. Mike was born Mikail Collinchov in 1962 in Moscow. At age 2, he fled Russia to the freedom of America aboard a dingy. In America, Mike lived in Lawrenceville, Pennsylvania, a sleepy community on the golden banks of the Allegheny River. He chose Lawrenceville because at that time in history, Lawrenceville was a mecca for discount meats and sausages. Mike would soon discover his lust for freedom and beer. Mike led a fairly anonymous childhood, partaking in typical youthful mischief: throwing snowballs at buses, carving his name in freshly poured concrete, and of course, getting on his hands and knees and biting the ankles of old women waiting for the bus on Butler Street. For fun, Mike also enjoyed walking around with raw bacon in his underwear. He once said it gave him the feeling of opulence and luxury.

Mike's formative years were spent at Central Catholic High School. Here he learned lessons that would form the very core of the man he was becoming. He realized that a young boy must never turn his back on a man of the cloth however, sweeping the gym floor for said man of the cloth was OK. Mike made several annoying friends while at Central. There was Jimmy "Chisox" Muha, a lad in a Whitesox jacket. It is said he put the "ass" in "asshole." Jeff Ford, a tall, humorous bloke who resembled the receptionist from the original Bob Newhart Show. And then there was Gary Ciao. Debonair, dashing, a sense of style like no other. It was as if he was plucked from the pages of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel; if the Great Gatsby had his father pick him up in a stationwagon, if the Great Gatsby tripped and fell a lot, if the Great Gatsby walked as if he had a boat oar lodged in his rectum, Gary could very well be the Great Gatsby.

Tune in next week for installment 2 in the biography of Mike Collins.